The Military Buff
by Third Kind
Summary: Mr. Krabs has a secret - one so shocking, he cannot reveal it to anyone, not even his daughter. In fact, his secret requires him to spend a lot of money, going completely against his moneygrubbing personality. Under his normal exterior, Krabs is secretly a military buff who loves to spend cash on vintage gear and weaponry! Rated for safety, because of references to dead people.


**Sooo... Hi guys. It's been a while since I've posted anything SpongeBob-related. My last story was written around, last year? Aye, I feel a wee bit terrible now. :(**

**Disregarding my absence from the SpongeBob section, the very first full-length trailer for the second SpongeBob movie gave me a huge plot bunny that's been niggling my mind for a while now; mainly, the inspiration came from a certain scene involving SpongeBob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs wearing World War One-era military uniforms. I think you can kinda guess where I'm going with this, if anyone happens to know that I'm a _bit_ obsessed with the military (though it's not always obvious online)...**

**Anyhow, I think I'm starting to ramble now. Just read the story, okay? ;)**

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><p><span><strong>The Military Buff<strong>

"Package for Mr. Eugene Krabs?"

Squidward, noticing the noise first, looked up from his interpretative dance magazine and saw a delivery man at the entrance to the Krusty Krab. He was rolling in three large packages through the doors, and from the look on his face, they seemed to be very heavy. Before Squidward could approach him, however, Mr. Krabs suddenly burst out from his office.

"I'll handle this, Squidward!" he yelled at him, in an odd, frantic tone. Squidward was startled, but he followed his boss's orders regardless. From the cash register, he watched Mr. Krabs sign some forms, before he grabbed the first box on top and carried it to his office, leaving the delivery man alone.

Suddenly, SpongeBob appeared through the window that led to the kitchen, after hearing some of the commotion in the dining area.

"What's Mr. Krabs ordered?" he asked plainly, startling Squidward, who had been unaware of SpongeBob's presence up to that point.

"I'm not sure," the cephalopod replied, taking an oddly curious interest in both the delivery and Mr. Krabs' actions. Their boss appeared outside the office again, picking up the second box almost the same way as the first; only this time, the employees could see that Krabs had a nervous expression on his face.

"What's up with Mr. Krabs?" SpongeBob asked another question absent-mindedly. Squidward didn't bother to reply this time – all of this was very strange on Mr. Krabs' part. It wasn't like him to be this shifty at all, especially over new restaurant stock, so just what on earth had he ordered this time? Unfortunately, they didn't gain any new clues as Krabs carried the third and last box to his private quarters, shutting the door in the process. Afterwards, all Squidward and SpongeBob could do was speculate.

"Maybe Mr. Krabs has finally ordered the new spatulas!" SpongeBob pondered excitedly. Squidward once again didn't reply. Everything that had happened just now was very mysterious, and so unlike Mr. Krabs. Was he hiding something from the two of them...?

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><p>Mr. Krabs sighed heavily as he dragged the three boxes into his living room, feeling the state of anxiety wash away from him. Fortunately, Pearl would be out for some time, so he should be able to open his parcels in peace away from prying eyes. He was already regretting sending a billing address to the seller, knowing that his employees would be there watching him; but he didn't want to risk Pearl opening his parcels in a sneaky peek. ...Actually, why was he still fussing so much over these packages? They were only meda-...<p>

...No. If anyone knew, they would be extremely surprised at how much he was willing to spend in order to receive them. His obsession was one that would seem quite contrary towards his cheapskate personality, but his passion for the topic outweighed his love for cash. It had been a lifelong interest, starting from when he was a young boy, hearing great stories from his veteran relatives and reading war-based comic books. In truth, Mr. Krabs was secretly a military buff who loved to spend money on vintage war items.

He opened the first parcel – it contained a collection of pristine army medals, dating from the Great War era. Krabs was impressed with the quality, noting that the seller had taken the time to wrap and package the parcels correctly, unlike the one time when he received an officer's cap under layers of bubble wrap and brown paper. He recalled the scathing comments he had sent to that particular seller online that day, quietly chuckling at the memories; though in all seriousness, that cap could have easily been damaged in transit. He placed the medals back in the box, opening the second parcel.

Inside was a decommissioned Soviet machine gun, beautifully restored with all working parts, albeit unable to fire any bullets in accordance with Bikini Bottom law. The firearms were the most dangerous items of Krabs' collection; not only because of the obvious hazards if they were reactivated, but also because of what someone would say if they found them inside his house, especially his daughter. Regardless, he felt them to be a prize worth having – he never had a true chance to use a single firearm during his time in the navy, so the decommissioned weapons were the closest he would ever have to handling one now.

The third box contained possibly Krabs' most anticipated item – a vintage Japanese pilot's uniform from the Second World War, including a flying cap and bandanna. Krabs had recalled a few days ago how him and his father used to explore American and Japanese warplanes that had crashed into the sea. In retrospect, however, it probably wasn't a good idea for a young Krabs to go, especially as they had a knack for finding planes containing dead pilots. He shivered slightly at the memories, but at the very least, they had clued his younger self to the reality that there were other creatures that lived above the ocean, with the ability to create weapons of destruction just like him and every other sea dweller. Studying the uniform, it seemed to be in good condition, though it smelt musty, which was to be expected of clothes of that vintage. Satisfied with his goods, Mr. Krabs began to place all of his items back into their respective boxes – now, he would have to carry them to his secret room filled with military equipment, which he kept under lock and key. But unfortunately, he heard the front door open suddenly.

"Dad, I'm home!" Pearl called out, shutting it behind her and turning, only to see her father in the middle of putting some kind of gun back into a box, along with a pilot suit sitting on the floor and something else wrapped up in bubble wrap.

"...Dad?" she asked, somewhat startled. "What _is_ all this stuff?!"

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><p><strong>Before anyone asks, "Didn't Mr. Krabs fight in World War II? And I thought his dad was missing or something?", don't you remember that the SpongeBob writers have consistently made contradicting backstories for Mr. Krabs? I mean, we've got the "war" one, the one where he was friends with Plankton, and the one where his grandfather was a full-blown pirate. Also, for all we know, the "war" could have been an equivalent to something like Vietnam or the Gulf War, not just World War II. Then again, SpongeBob thrives on negative continuity, so I think the show expects its viewers to not take things like that seriously. But knowing how fans operate, that's never true. ;P<strong>

**Ack, I'm rambling again! Feel free to review this if you want, folks. :D**


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